me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
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Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.